Happy Birthday, or not?

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“Eye Awakening” by Judithe Hernandez

As my tío Mazatzin pointed out late last night in his FB post (yes I saw it, just been in avoidance behavior since then), I’ve made it through another trip around the Sun, but barely.

On this day that witnessed my first breath of life, __ years ago (you fill in the blank), that took place in one of the vast concrete jungles in the land of Califaztlan, I am forcing myself to write because writing has always been therapeutic, healing in its form for it allows my ISTJ (introverted) self to connect with feelings that I’ve learned to keep too deep inside, too hidden from the world and especially from those around me.  I write because it is one of my only forms of release.

So today I am sincerely thankful to the gente that have taken the time to send me good thoughts and good energy my way.  I am also most thankful to my mama who brought me forth unto this world, who nurtured me along the way and who has put up with my stubborn brain and being for the longest.

Today I force myself to write these words of recognition and of some type of celebration that I am still here walking upon this Earth, our sacred Tonantzin.  I say force because a large part of my being is on the verge of shutdown mode, of walking along a dangerous precipice leading to a dark downward spiral of nowhere.

Those of you who know me, or can claim to know a bit of me, might understand that this was a most difficult year and to think that it will only a get a bit worse before it can possibly get better.  Big sigh.

The introverted Chicana that I am, wishing so fervently for a better connection with the social self, the self that wouldn’t give a damn about who I told things to or what things I told to who.  Instead I am here, on this day of my birth, walking with mostly dread in the heart.

Lo siento mi día de cumpleaños but I want this day and especially year to be over with already, to become something of the past, a-longer-than-wanted moment that I can look back upon with slight nostalgia but with mostly relief that it’s finally over.

2017, or better yet, 5 Kalli, please be a better one.  Wait, you have to be a better one or I might completely lose it.

This will be the year that as Sandra Cisneros stated during her plug on Latinos USA a couple of weeks ago, it’s finally time for me to marry the most demanding of spouses – that of writing.  What better way of describing the art of and commitment to writing but as a demanding and most jealous spouse? Yes, all of what appear as negative qualities are true but as Cisneros pointed out, it is a spouse that never betrays and never abandons. Brilliant.

So if I’m a bit off or seeming rather distant, it is because I am on mi luna de miel with the greatest spouse of them all – the pen and the word.  Wait, that’s two, even better.  JK.

Feliz cumple a mi.

 

#lablogadora  #Chicana

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